Ummm...
Yeah...
It's Abstract...
Let's just leave it there...
Vanilla flavored ice cream;
buffaloes;
silence.
I am on Mars.
There's a lake next to St. Micheal's,
Manas valley to the south,
Bismillah park is fun to see,
this shows it, I'm on Mars.
Questions end mid-way to here;
I see no friends; I wonder why,
villains enter with regret,
it's clear, I'm on Mars.
The red is not from human blood,
It's ferric oxide in the soil,
And science it is not my friend,
it is the truth, for this is Mars.
Don't you think you should come with me?
If so then please do not.
Though if you know it all too well:
Welcome you're on Mars.
Read The Minds Ear: Exercises for Improving the Musical Imagination for
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5 years ago
1 comment:
You've got way too many unnecessary semi-colons. A lot of the time, you don't actually need punctuation (a wonderful thing called enjambements), and other times a mere comma should suffice. There are also instances where you might have benefitted from different word choice. I agree that the conversational tone is exactly what something like this needs, but that shouldn't make it alright to compromise on good use of the language. For instance, when you say 'this shows it', I think it sounds like those places you mention are actually physically pulling out some sort of chart and showing you that you are on Mars. This may have been what you were going for, but I think it might work better if you said something like 'This proves it. I'm on mars'. Sounds a lot more concrete, and it complements the weirdness of the content better.
In the next bit, you have the phrase 'I wonder why'. Does that relate to 'I see no friends' or 'villains enter with regret'? Or both? And what exactly are these villains entering?
The second last line seems a little out of place. I can't thin kof any alternative ways of putting it because I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.
On the whole, this was fantastically quirky, and I could picture this being something like imaginary games kids play with cardboard box spaceships, except it's a little more complicated than that. There's a lot of random connections that I, as the reader, didn't really follow, and considering the style this isn't too surprising. I quite enjoyed reading this. :)
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