One of my 5 minute poems...
Would love some good 'ol fashioned killer criticism!
Science saved me from disease,
Hope let me fight through it.
Science kept me as I was,
Hope made me much stronger.
Science gave me cars to move,
Hope told me to walk it all,
With science I grew fatter still,
With Hope I walked the world with ease.
Science made me better guns,
Hope told me to try some more.
Science killed my fellow men,
Hope gave me a friend or two.
Science told me to refrain,
Hope told me to go right in,
Science kept me living still,
Hope took me from everything.
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5 years ago
2 comments:
When I read this, I instinctively get a little defensive about Science, but I am going to try and comment objectively about the writing more than the actual content.
I feel like you could work on the flow a little- not so much the metre and structure, but the transition from one stanza to the next, or even one idea to the next. At present, you're flitting from one concept to the next, and it seems like a random spur-of-the-moment-grocery list.
In the third stanza, when you talk of guns, the second line seems slightly vague. What is Hope telling you to try more of? I know what you were trying to say, but it'd be awesome if you could make that explicit. Similarly, in the last stanza, what did Science tell you to refrain from doing? Was it discovery? Was it murder? You see how vague it seems as present? I think you could probably end it with something stronger. It'd still be a comparison, and the last line is pretty good, but the stanza as a whole is...weak.
I sounds incredibly mean. Apologies. I look forward to reading more of your work soon, Aakash. :)
It's Yo Being 'Mean' That Keeps Me Writing Like I Do...
I've Almost Given Up Hope On Writing Anything Good Now...
Lack Of Inspiration...
The Fact That You Still Read All This Nonsense Keeps Me Going...
Thank You.
Thank You Very Much. :)
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